It takes a lot of courage to look into therapy, especially if you are the daughter of a narcissistic mother or a mom who has borderline personality disorder.
Arguing with and having issues with your mom is a really difficult thing. There can be a ton of shame that goes along with not having a great relationship with her. I get it, I really do.
You want to love your mom, of course, you do, but after so much toxicity and emotional damage, this may be difficult. In our culture, being angry with your mom- even just not liking your mom, is taboo. But after experiencing narcissistic abuse, it is really quite normal and it is okay.
Nevertheless, being part of this toxic narcissistic relationship feels terrible and at the same time, you are tied to them, so it feels like you can’t get yourself out of it.
It is a vicious cycle that can undermine your every effort- to survive, to be kind to yourself, to love yourself. You may not even know who you are, what you like.
Look, you are tired. Tired of trying to please her, tired of all the arguing, tired of keeping your mouth shut to avoid conflict, of being the one who is always discounted and dismissed. Tired of taking the blame for things, being compared to others, tired of not being allowed to have feelings of your own. Just plain tired.
All of this is exhausting. It is hurtful, and frankly, confusing.
A good guess might be that you are probably feeling really sad and feel isolated from your family of origin.
You have had enough.
It took a while for many of my clients to realize that their moms ( growing up and to this day) weren’t like the other kid’s moms- your mom looks great on the outside- everyone would say how great a person she was, how good a mom you had… but behind closed doors, things looked very different.
This can often be the case if you are the child of a narcissistic parent or a child of a parent who has other personality disorders.
If you are a child of a narcissistic mother, chances are good that you grew up doing everything you could to be recognized and to please your parents-no matter what you do or how hard you tried, you never seemed to feel like you are quite good enough. You tried to please her and now, you might still find yourself trying to do the same thing in adulthood, whether it is with your partner, your boss, your friends and yes, your mom.
As a child, if you didn’t get the validation you needed, you would try harder and harder, to become perfect and set unattainable goals to be validated.
As an adult, looking inside of yourself for that validation is what you need to learn how to do. When you feel good enough from the inside out, you won’t need to engage in approval seeking on any level.
Because this dynamic ( narcissistic abuse) is one that started in childhood, it will continue to affect your sense of self-confidence, your ability to trust yourself and your ability to allow your intuition to guide you. Right now, you are probably bowing to the external demands of others and need and rely on external validation to feel good about yourself.
You do not need their permission to be yourself.
You are meant to be loved in a way that feels respectful, you are meant to live a good life, to know what calm feels like, to laugh from your heart and your belly and to trust your intuition.
You need to get help from a qualified professional, someone who specializes in this work and understands the unique challenges that daughters of narcissistic mothers face, on a visceral level. I get it, I’ve been there.
I am here to support you to feel valued and heard.
I will help you :
- Grieve the complicated loss of a mother you desperately wanted and needed- and deserved- but never got…
- Rebuild self-esteem
- Examine your upbringing in the context of an intimate relationship.
- Define and assert boundaries
- Have freedom from self-judgment and inner criticism
- Love yourself unconditionally
- To trust yourself and free your crippling self-doubt.
- To feel calm
- To be free of anxiety and depression
This is all possible. When you reach out, we can begin this healing journey together.