Ten Tips for Surviving the Holidays with Your Difficult Family
The holidays will undoubtedly bring us pressure and challenges, especially if we plan to spend time with family. Unfortunately, the holiday season may also mean reuniting with toxic family members, which naturally can crank up your stress levels. As a result, you may feel nervous, confused, or anxious about how you will deal with toxic family members during the holidays. The following are some suggestions to help you cope through the holiday season and some advice for handling your family.
#1 Be realistic with yourself and how you will feel.
For example, are you prone to feeling anxious, drained, or bitter around family members? Knowing what you may face beforehand will help you prepare a plan to help you deal with these feelings when they come up.
#2 Know your limitations & enlist help.
Tell someone you trust about the people you want to steer clear of, whether that’s sitting next to them, having a conversation with them, or being left alone with them, so they can help you to avoid these situations.
#3 Control what you can control.
Take a break from a conversation if you feel uncomfortable. Whether you just need some fresh air or decide to leave altogether, it’s your call! If you’re flying and can afford it, consider renting a car when you arrive at your destination so you have more control to decide when to arrive and when to leave. If possible, book your own accommodation so you can fully decompress before a new day begins.
#4 Bring a partner or a close friend so you always have someone on your side who has your best interests at heart.
While this may not be possible for every situation, having your partner or a close friend to validate the struggle with your narcissistic mother or father-in-law can be invaluable. It’ll be important not to turn the event into an attempt to prove or justify your toxic relationship, but at the very least, their presence will help you feel seen.
#5 Do something relaxing before the event.
Ideas include practicing yoga, listening to music, taking a bath with essential oils, or going for a walk. Think about the positive aspects of this get-together. For example, is there anyone in your family that you do like? Is there a dish you only eat at this time of year? When you do this, you will likely be less stressed before seeing them and more capable of tactfully responding, or not reacting, to their actions.
#6 Practice your boundaries.
It may help if you prepare and practice a few simple statements in advance so that you will be able to deflect tension when necessary. For example, you could say: “Thanks for your concern” or “I’ll think about it.”
#7 Keep your holiday mantra front and center.
Remember comforting song lyrics, take deep breaths, count in your head, or write down a helpful phrase and repeat it in your head. For example, “I will get through this,” “Failures and mistakes help me grow,” or “Others may not understand my viewpoint, but that doesn’t mean it is wrong,” or “I am responsible only to myself.”
#8 Give yourself something to look forward to after spending the holiday with your family.
Knowing that something good is waiting for you is a powerful motivator. So, get a massage, go out on the town with your partner or friends to see a play or a musical, pamper yourself silly, eat stuff you enjoy, treat yourself to a staycation, or sit around without thinking about anything. Your choice!
#9 Consider changing your traditions.
It may be too triggering to be with your family during the holidays. If you cannot maintain your mental health and well-being by gathering with your family, survival may mean avoiding them. You can then start making holiday traditions with your chosen family!
#10 Connect with a therapist.
The most helpful thing you can do before and after your trip home is to talk to your therapist. As a team, you can identify your triggers, organize your emotions, develop a strategy, and then talk about how things turn out when you return. Don’t have a therapist but feel like you would benefit from therapy to navigate the holiday season? Accessing therapy in Hartford has never been easier. We can’t wait to meet you!
At West Hartford Counseling, we know it’s not always easy to advocate for yourself or assert your boundaries or exit strategy, especially when visiting your family with narcissistic or borderline tendencies. Especially during the holidays, when images of happy family gatherings surround you, the process may feel even more daunting, frustrating, or isolating. We want to remind you that you can always say no and choose to create holidays that suit your tastes with your own chosen family and friends.
Whether you are struggling to establish boundaries with your family or feeling overwhelmed by upcoming difficult conversations, there’s no point in surrounding yourself with those who want to hurt you. We would love to help you find peace about your relationships with your family. If you would like to schedule a free 15-minute consultation, please call 860-385-1574 or visit our website for more information on our therapy services.