Overcoming Guilt and Shame: Coping with Long-Term No-Contact with Relatives as a Daughter of a Narcissistic Mother
What Is Long-Term No-Contact Like For Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers?
Going no-contact with your narcissistic mother can be a mix of difficulties and tremendous benefits. From increased freedom, stability, self-trust, improved relationships, and a chance to grow and learn without the shadow of narcissism looming over your life, going no-contact can have huge rewards. However, it can be very worrying to go through with establishing a no-contact boundary, and stressful to enforce it.
Navigating no-contact with a narcissistic mother may mean fielding phone calls, texts, and sometimes holiday or birthday cards from well-meaning, or less-well-meaning, relatives and friends who push you to change your mind on this, even though you know it’s what you need. It may mean having to deal with those same forms of attempted contact from your narcissistic mother, with helpings of fear, shame, or guilt attached. You may be worried about your decisions and whether they’re the right ones, and be looking for ways to cope with going no-contact with your narcissistic mother.
Three Common Worries For No-Contact Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers
Remember: you didn’t decide to establish no-contact with your narcissistic mother lightly. Your concerns and feelings are normal, and there are ways to cope with the guilt and shame you may be feeling. Your decision to set a boundary is a reasonable one, and you should feel empowered to enforce it.
Still, it makes sense that you have worries and concerns surrounding this decision. Here are three of the most common ones we hear at West Hartford Counseling & Coaching.
What Will People Say?
You may find yourself worrying about what people will say, when you choose no-contact. What will family think? Will your friends understand? What will your coworkers say? Family ties are considered very important to a lot of people, and you may be concerned about how you’ll be perceived when choosing to go no-contact as the daughter of a narcissistic mother.
Fortunately, it is not your job to control what people think, do, or say. Please know, you are responsible for yourself and your actions, that is all. You’ve had it demanded of you for a long time to emotionally manage your narcissistic mother, and now is a great time to try to let that go. A better question to ask yourself is, what do you want to say when you get pushback against your decision to go no-contact?
Feel Entitled to Your Privacy
First off, you don’t owe anyone an explanation if you don’t want to provide one. “This is what works best for me,” is a fine answer, and a complete one too. Should you get pushed on this, you can discontinue the conversation and remove yourself from it. If you want to provide more information and think they may be understanding, consider arming yourself with information about how going no-contact can support healing to provide to people around you.
Share What is Helpful for You
You can be very frank about your experiences, if you want. It’s your truth to tell, even if you were raised to be secretive and isolated in order to protect your narcissistic mother from consequences. Those that care about you will believe you, and may share their own experiences with you as well. Some may not believe you. That is their choice, but you can take comfort in knowing you’re telling the truth. You haven’t made this up, even if you’ve been taught that you are unreliable and aren’t capable of contradicting the narrative your narcissistic mother has built. You may find it freeing, in fact, to tell your truth.
Expect That Not Everyone Will Understand and Search for the Ones That Do
You may find that not everyone is understanding. It may be difficult and saddening to find more relationships changed than just your relationship with your narcissistic mother. Coping with the secondary effects of going no-contact long-term can require finding the supportive people in your life and leaning on them. The benefits of no-contact will often out-weigh the difficulties, and you will find that the people that support you in your boundaries are the ones who can best accept you as you are. These are the people that you need in your life most.
Am I Abandoning My Family?
It is not abandonment to set boundaries. You have hit your limit as to what you can take, and as the daughter of a narcissistic mother, you have spent a lot of your life being questioned in your boundaries and needs. You’ve found this to be the only way to move forward, and did not make a decision to go no-contact lightly. You likely provided your narcissistic mother many opportunities to do better, and she did not take them.
You are not bad, or troublesome, for having needs. A caring parent would hear you in your concerns, and respect your boundaries, even if they didn’t entirely understand them! You expressing a need for space is reasonable, especially in light of how much damage narcissistic parenting can do to a child. That damage doesn’t stay in childhood, it becomes a troubling component of adulthood for many daughters of narcissistic mothers.
You may find that these kinds of fears can be helped through therapy. Reframing and working through the negative impacts of narcissistic abuse you’ve endured in a therapeutic setting can be a structured and supportive way to cope with going no-contact long term. Going no-contact with your narcissistic mother is a way to free you from toxic cycles, and start to take a long, hard look at what you want in your life and how to make it happen for yourself. That isn’t abandonment, it’s choosing yourself after being taught to abandon your wants and needs for too long.
Have I Made The Wrong Decision?
You may find yourself questioning your choice to go no-contact. You may find yourself feeling like you may be making a mistake, or that it says something about the quality of person you are. These fears are reasonable, you’ve decided to set a boundary in a life where that wasn’t previously allowed when it came to your narcissistic mother.
Going no-contact won’t fix everything in your life immediately, it is more an opportunity to create space to start living in ways that best suit you. You’ll still have distress, including distress from the trauma you’ve experienced. But it is a way to halt further trauma, and work on rebuilding. This is a great opportunity to employ mindfulness techniques, like journaling, breathing exercises, or yoga.
Reflect, while using these tools, on your emotional state now, having established no-contact and defended your boundaries. Where has stress reduced? Where has it increased? What can you do to make changes, now that the looming threat of toxic narcissism is distanced from your life? These reflections can guide you as you grow and flourish after going no-contact.
West Hartford Counseling & Coaching Can Help Assuage Your Fears From Going No-Contact
Going no-contact is a process that can involve a lot of fear, guilt, and shame. These feelings aren’t surprising, but they are normal, and they are something that can be changed with work toward different, healthier perspectives on yourself and relationships. Along with surrounding yourself with supportive people, and leveraging mindfulness tools to monitor yourself through the process of no-contact, therapy can help a lot.
West Hartford Counseling & Coaching offers therapy for daughters of narcissistic mothers, and can help support you in coping with long-term no-contact. Contact us today to schedule a 15 minute consultation to see if we would be a good fit for you.