Keeping Your Sanity: Coping with a Narcissistic Mother During Wedding Planning
Wedding planning is an adventure at the best of times, but when attempting wedding planning with a narcissistic mother, it may feel like an emotional disaster. Whether you’re aiming for an intimate and small ceremony, a quick-and-happy courthouse wedding, or an elaborate celebration of your dreams, you may find yourself worrying, as the daughter of a narcissistic mother, what other stresses will be heaped onto your plate by her participation.
Read on, as I’ve put together some suggestions of ways to anticipate difficulties in wedding planning with your narcissistic mother, as well as encouragement to you to center yourself, your future spouse, and your relationship in wedding planning.
Coping With A Narcissistic Mother During Wedding Planning
Planning a wedding when your mother is narcissistic can feel fraught. Your mother, or other family members, may push you to “play nice” for the sake of appearances. Your narcissistic mother may try to insert herself into every aspect of the wedding, practically making the event hers instead of focusing on you and your future spouse. She may demand you manage her moods and feelings throughout, or may freeze you out entirely, leaving everything to you and acting as if it is an affront that you’d dare to have an event that centers you.
The patterns you grew up with, from having a narcissistic mother, can play a big part in how you approach adult tasks, including planning your wedding. However, these patterns of invalidation, drawing focus away from you at all times, and questioning your needs and wants, are not permanent or absolutes. You may well be able to manage both being a daughter of a narcissistic mother, and someone who enjoys a joyful and beautiful wedding. Protecting your happiness, especially around a ceremony as meaningful as your wedding, is always worth the effort.
Ways to Center Yourself in Wedding Planning When Your Mother Is A Narcissist
Here, I’ve put together a list of ideas that may make it easier to center yourself (and keep your sanity!), when wedding planning with your narcissistic mother.
1. Focus On You, And Your Future Spouse.
What do you want? What speaks most to you two, specifically? Prioritize this above all else; the goal of your wedding is to solemnize and celebrate the two of you, and keeping this at the front of your mind can truly help you in moments when your narcissistic mother is attempting to draw you into toxic patterns that center her whims. You’re building a new family for yourself, and you and your spouse get to decide how that will actually work.
2. Consider A Separate Reception and Ceremony
While less traditional, this tactic lets you have an intimate, close ceremony with only the people you truly want celebrating your marriage. It allows you to control the more emotional parts of the wedding, meaning the event is about you and your future spouse, instead of you and your mom and your future spouse. It also allows you to get married where and when suits you best. Want to get married at a destination? A courthouse? Your backyard? An honest to goodness castle? The world becomes your oyster when the ceremony is separate and small.
3. No-contact? Find A Backup Mom
Mothers are often key players in a marriage ceremony, and in wedding planning. Being no-contact may feel like you’ve lost that in your life to gain some peace. However, a family member or close friend can easily fulfill that role, in the ceremony and in helping plan your wedding. You aren’t alone in this, and you may be surprised how willing people are to support you!
Being raised by a narcissistic mother can make planning and executing large projects difficult; why try when you’ve been trained to think your attempts are likely to fail? But you are no failure, you’re a whole person with strengths and weaknesses. You also have people around you, friends and family, with strengths and weaknesses. Asking people to leverage their strengths to help you in planning your wedding is a great way to show yourself that you’re worth the help of the community around you, and that you are capable of achieving a wedding you’re proud of.
How to Manage Wedding Planning With Your Narcissistic Mother
Sometimes, it’s unavoidable to involve your narcissistic mother in wedding planning tasks. Having a plan on how to cope with your narcissistic mother frees you from past cycles and habits, while protecting you from having your entire wedding consumed by your mother’s narcissistic behaviors.
1. Give Your Narcissistic Mother A Set Task
If you find yourself needing to involve your mother in wedding planning, pick a task or two, and ask her to help with them. Make sure they’re tasks you don’t have a huge attachment to, as she will likely make these tasks all about her, but it may be an effective way to keep her busy, out of your way, and ensure she feels engaged enough to not give you a hard (or harder) time.
2. Only Share As Much Information As You Want
Decide for yourself what your boundary is for how much information on your wedding your narcissistic mother will get. You’re allowed to keep details to yourself, and to only share information after decisions have been made and things are finalized. Limiting how much participation is actually possible can be a helpful way to cope with a narcissistic mother during wedding planning.
3. Make A Plan For How To Defend Your “No”
When wedding planning with your narcissistic mother, don’t engage in her attempts to start power struggles. Statements of fact are final statements and explanations are not required. You do what you do because that’s what you want and that’s all there is to it. As a daughter of a narcissistic mother, this is not a mindset that is easy to maintain, so try to remind yourself regularly. Your decisions are sound, you are doing what’s right for you, and your boundaries are worth enforcing.
West Hartford Counseling & Coaching Is Here To Help You Cope With Your Narcissistic Mother
The boundaries you establish around planning your wedding are barriers against distress and difficulty. As a daughter of a narcissistic mother, while you may be pushed to feel otherwise, you have every right to set boundaries, and every right to enforce them. Coping with a narcissistic mother is not easy, but it is possible! West Hartford offers comprehensive therapy that aims to support your work to establish yourself and your needs as the primary consideration during large life moments like your wedding.
For more information on the structure and goals of my practice, as well as to schedule a free 15-minute consultation, contact me via my website or call 860-385-1574.